Don’t go chasing waterfalls/ oops I did it again [mash up] aka The Odyssey part deux

I thought twice about writing this. It's vulnerable. But it's real. There are lows as well as highs. Real lows. And for anyone who reads this, laughs, or thinks “you silly fool, it serves you right.” Well i'm afraid that says more about you than it does me. I'm pretty sure i'm aware of who those people are, and I do not need those type of people in my life. The people who are only happy when you are as miserable and pessimistic as they are.

I have a wall. The wall was built because unfortunately I'm still dealing with the aftermath of a few men with bruised egos and the consequent punishment they think is appropriate to deliver. And so I've opted out. Which sits under my current life philosophy of opting out of other people's bullshit. But I'm human after all, very much a softie and very much a romantic. So every now and again somebody will come along and the wall weakens. Until inevitably they do something that reminds me why it was built in the first place.

Let's cast our minds back to earlier this summer, the quad bike interception, the unexplained turning up at the same place to admire the beach. There was a clear and purposeful reason I took a different route out of that town; because I damned well knew this would happen, and I was protecting myself. But to me and my soft head, it seemed more like fate than intimately knowing the shortcuts out of the town. I had planned to return to the island anyway and i'd earmarked a particular weekend for it. Although in hindsight there are a million other places I should have gone. I had planned to stay with Georgia in the beautiful peaceful Mikros Yialos but with some fairly strong insistence I agreed that I would stay in the town where Mr quad bike lived and even more misguided that I would stay in the accommodation that he owned.

It should have been a bit of a daydream and I'm sure that had honesty and transparency prevailed from the beginning it still might have been. I'm going to keep the detail limited , But let's just say that I was led to believe that they were free to spend time with who they wanted despite their being certain challenges and sensitivities around the separation and some very real challenges associated with single handedly running a restaurant, supermarket and apartments. But as I sit here now writing this I am still no clearer, in fact I am all the more confused. Each to their own but the knowledge that another person is with another is a 'no go' for me, morally and practically.

So there was no reason for me not to look forward to a visit to a beautiful place that I'd fallen in love with almost to an equal degree as Ibiza. Transport logistics were a bit of a nightmare and it took a flight into Kefalonia and out of Preveza to make things work on the dates I had available and this would necessitate a ferry from Fiskardo in the north of Kefalonia to Vassiliki in the South of Lefkas. The flight arrived in late at night and there was no prospect of getting up to Fiskardo or nor was there a boat and so a night in Kefalonia it was.

This was somewhere that myself and Charlotte had gone the previous April and what an amazing place, a beautiful place, and my love for the Ionian Islands, Kefalonia and Lefkas specifically, has only grown stronger, despite everything. Fear not, I've had similar happen in Ibiza, multiple times and despite momentarily declaring that I will never return, swiftly came to the realisation that good and bad happens everywhere and, on balance, it is far better to just fall for places, not people (apart from the obvious ones of course, nor what this was either).

The vague bus timetable ensured that I missed the morning boat as the driver stopped to chat, ask for instructions which was slightly concerning, and then finally pop into a cafe and grab a coffee, but did appear to be comfortably in time for the 1:30 boat and there was another one due to depart at 4. I didn't even consider the weather could be a limiting factor and had made the assumption that everything would go smoothly, the eternal optimist.

But as I approach the jetty and what appeared to be the ticket office the lady was putting up her handwritten sign to say all ferries were cancelled on account of the weather, which really didn't seem that adverse. There were clearly a number of people in the same boat, or ironically not, as the case may be, and we charged to the ticket office in search of a solution. It couldn't simply be that there is no way of getting between the two very close islands that day, It simply wasn't possible. She seemed to have hope for some trip boats that would shortly be arriving into the harbour who upon their return journey would be able to deliver us safely to Lefkas.

Messages back and forth to Mr quad bike reassured me that he “was very good friends” with one of the captains of the trip boats and he had sorted out passage to Lefkas. I'm still dubious as to how much had been sorted because everyone else who was in the same predicament was able to get on the same ferry thankfully. This was a trip boat and it wasn't on its direct return journey so about five hours later after having stopped off in Ithaca and Skorpios we arrived in to Nydri. Blushing however, a conversation clearly had taken place with the captain, the captain beckoned me to the front of the boat and deposited me onto a transfer bus associated with another of the trip boats. Okay so some strings had been pulled. Momentarily I felt cared for. Looked after. It felt nice.

Strange events in the week running up to the visit had made me question even more what the personal situation was and feel very uneasy about my arrival. Always go with your gut, if something doesn't feel right it's never too late to change plans. But I'd made a commitment and I was sticking to it. It had been decided that I would stay in a different annex that had a lovely view over the harbour. He visited, fleetingly, a handful of times. It was good to see him. But then he disappeared in the blink of an eye, the feeling of……. I don't really know how to explain it, rejection, unease, confusion, growing with each day. I get it that he was flat out busy with the business, but it wasn't just that. There's nothing I hate worse and feeling trapped or hidden. I'm alive. More alive than I've ever felt in my life. More vibrant. I want to enjoy life at its fullest. Not be creeping around on account of something I don't understand or have been misinformed about that makes me feel uneasy. I don't deserve that. I deserve better.

NB at this moment i'm starting to compile a hierarchy of European love rats. Greece is currently firmly at the top of that list and will remain that way until I am in receipt of evidence to prove me wrong! Italy is a close second....I jest.... as if I would make sweeping generalisations about an entire culture based upon one unfortunate incident....

Before arriving I've been sent a picture of an event that would be taking place on the Saturday. Misguided, I thought we might have been attending this together but it turns out that's the day that I heard or saw nothing apart from a fleeting and flustered “take a seat” and when I did was totally ignored. There was no inquiry even as to how I was going to navigate the tricky return visit to ensure that I caught my return flight on time. Rest assured, I've shared my sentiments unabridged in both English and Greek. I walked away that weekend feeling like utter shit. To make matters worse, the strange events continued to consume this week when there were far more serious matters to consume my mind, leaving me even more confused about what part I was playing in some sort of sick game.

The saving grace and for which I'm thankful, is the fact that my room, I'll call it that because it didn't warrant the title of apartment, from the second day had a neighbour. As I delivered my Friday webinar on the Strategic Management of Project portfolios she, in parallel, was delivering hers. The lovely Sonja, from California but spent half the year in Bodrum. What a cool combo! Who knew we had so much in common and a similar life story. A privilege and an inspiration of a person to meet, I've no doubt we will stay in contact.

I've also learned several important lessons resulting from the visit. Lessons that I have to temper against the risk of becoming full of apathy, resentment and anger. The last thing I want or need right now is a relationship. I know that. I'm clear on that. But I do have a right to be treated with respect and honesty. There still has to be hope that there are good people out there. I can't say I won't do it again, because that's just me, I'm passionate, naturally trusting impulsive and rather fond of culturally distinct European men. Luckily, i'm resilient enough to bounce back (give me a while but i’ll get there). But for the time being, the wall has been firmly rebuilt.